I want to be big in the black metal scene and i'm seriously thinking about selling my soul to Satan... You seem to have your shit together and i thought you where a fellow satanist.
Alright, then let me give you some advice.
First of all: Go forth and sell it. That will make you seem like a trve elitist, because all the posers in the scene are not trve enough to commit to Satan. So sell that cold, black thing on your mind and that little void that will now fill your head and heart will soon after be filled with the necessary grim- and trveness that it takes to become someone big in the black metal scene.
The next step consists of simply hating all those conformists, who rather go to church than praising the Dark Lord and rather listen to the pop songs on radio than to Burzum or Mayhem. And you better put on this “Fuck all Christians, burn all the churches!” attitude, I mean, Varg does that too, so that’s trve, right? As a start, you might like to scribble “fvck chvrch!” into the bible during your next visit with your family on Sunday.
You will also need a new name. If your name happens to be a variant of the name Christian or to be of Biblical origin, this is especially urgent. Think of something grim and evil. Include elements of death, gore, blasphemy and perversion into it. Put emphasize on your elitism by adding something like “Count” as well. How about “Count Christbutcher” or something of that sort? Think also of a name for your band. It has to be either evil and express your darkness and grimness (“Slayer ov Light”? “Profane Slaughtery”?) and don’t worry about bad grammar, especially when you go for a random, hard to pronounce Norwegian word (because Norwegian is grim as fvck!). Chances are that nobody will ever now the name of your band anyway, as no matter how desperately they tried to read it on your band’s logo, they will not succeed. A trve black metal logo just cannot be read. Look at piles of dead branches for inspiration.
Now let’s go for something a bit more advanced. The recording of your very first demo. The first demo of a hundred, because eventually only demo tapes are trve underground and seriously cvlt. Start by grabbing your little brother’s tape recorder. Its colours might seem a bit too bright for you, so make sure to wear sun glasses and keep a black marker at hand, so you can draw it over. Keep it black and white and maybe leave out a red part in the shape of 666 or an inverted cross. Black-White-Red, that looks a bit nazi and nazi is provocative and provocation is trve.
You will now have to get an electric guitar from somewhere. Your dad may have one somewhere in the basement. If not, tell him that he’s the best dad in the world and that you really need one, because you feel that music is what keeps you happy and since he’s the best dad in the world, he would always want you to be happy. Sure, that might seem untrve and very unlike a real black metaller, but keep in mind that you’re just in disguise and that it’s all for the glory of Satan. He will be proud of your reckless lies. Once you got it, you really don’t need to learn how to play it. Just put the amp on max distortion and you’re ready to go. The recording quality will be way too bad to hear any kind of melodies out of it anyway, just how trve satanic black metal is supposed to be.
Beware of letting your friends become members of your band. Only one-man bands can produce real black metal, because that underlines your advanced misanthropy and the fact that you cannot rely on anyone. So do everything on your own. Also, if you don’t stick to this, chances are that you will stab one of your band members eventually. That would be pretty evil and surely make your band known all over town, but that would already be some kind of sellout. Not cool, don’t do that. You will remain underground.
This also means that you will have to use a drum computer. No problem, that’s a key element of a good black metal album. So search for “drum computer” on Google, download the first one you see and program some twenty minutes of continuous blast beats. This will make your demo tape sound aggressive and hateful and again, don’t mind it sounding stupid at first, on your tape it will sound just fine. Bad recording quality can hide a lot of flaws. Remember: A trve satanic black metaller doesn’t give a shit about proper recording equipment. A good production means sellout and handing yourself over to the mainstream. Don’t be that guy.
All that is left for your tape now are the vocals. Have you seen that horror movie last night? I mean, you surely sneaked out of your bedroom and past your parents’ one to the living room to watch it, right? Remember that scene where that weird butcher guy slaughtered that pig? Remember how it sounded? Yeah? Go for that. That’s torture, that’s trve. If you have problems putting the right emotions into it, think of that little puppy that was run over by a car yesterday and that you saw lying on the street on your way back home from school. Or when your hamster died. Just scream out all the pain. Satan will guide your fvcked up voice. Believe me.
So start the drum computer, turn on the amp and blast your most distorted sound into this little tape recorder and scream your pain into it, as high pitched as possible. The rawer it sounds in the end, the better it will get. Believe me. Nobody will expect you to use melodies or even slower parts in your song, you’re a Satanist and slow music is for pussies, right? Sure, Satan loves pussies, but the other kind. And he will love you. For praising his name, of course. Nothing else. Strictly platonic, because a trve black metaller could never ever be gay. Or did you forget something…? No, probably not.
To complete your tape, all that is left is the artwork. Sneak out of the house at night and grab your parents’ camera. Turn the flash on and photograph a tree or a tombstone with it. That will do. And while you’re at it, take a selfie right next to it. We will find use for that later. Wear some good corpse paint on it, your mother’s make up set will do a fine job. Look up for some photos on the internet first, that will be enough. It surely won’t take much skill. And attach some nails from your dad’s toolbox on your sleeves. And make sure it is always set to black and white. And mostly black. I mean, it’s called “black” metal for a reason. If your cover contains too much white or even colour, then it can’t be real black metal and you definitely are a poser and should go die. I guess. Also, the more black, the less will actually be visible, that will make you and your music seem more mysterious.
Use Paint to add your logo on that photo, think of a bunch of grim sounding song titles for your 20-minutes black metal epos and type them in capitalized black letter on the “artwork” as well. If your demo doesn’t have any breaks in between, doesn’t matter, just add “chapter xx” in front of the song title, that will make it seem even more conceptual and evil. Go for titles like “chapter v: midnight slaughter under the goat moon”. Good work on that. Print it out on lowest quality, cut it out and put it into the case of one of dad’s old tapes. Congrats, you finished your very first demo tape.
Now go to Metal Archives and add your band there. Add all the details, upload your selfie there too and your band logo and add a few more demo tapes than you actually recorded. That doesn’t matter. Don’t forget to add a few “!” more than necessary in the description, that will show that you are trve and very serious about it. If your band does not get accepted and published there, go complain about it in the forums and call them “mainstream whores” for not appreciating the trve underground. Feel good about it. That means you did a great job on your image.
Oh, and don’t forget to never actually release your tape. Keep the only copy for yourself. I mean, other’s are bad, you hate them anyway, so why would you let them participate in enjoying your music? Don’t let them. They are not worth it, because they are not even half as cvlt as you are. You are fucking great man. You are black metal now. Congrats. It’s easy enough, you can do it. May Satan be with you.
This is the best commentary ever written.
hah, thank you!